But it was a typo in the end. Merkins was her choice of topic. So I thought, well ok. They are a stylish classic and probably deserve a post.
But who is this NDM? She is a kick-ass blogger who shies away from no one. Always opinionated, always loud and ALWAYS funny. She likes taking on big corporations with her wit and gives them a piece of her mind. She once lived in London, drank pints of lager, wore groovy clothes and laughed a lot. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Nowadays, she lives in a deeply unfashionable inner-suburb of a large Australian city, drinks pints of cheap fizz, favours “op-shop chic” and still laughs a lot, although often her laughter turns into uncontrollable sobbing.
We both have unreasonably angry cats.
MERKIN MAGIC
My cousin ‘Mystery V’ recently asked me what kind of home-made crocheted cover I'd imagined would go on my (ex) friend's Creative Emmy (it's kind of a long story).
I replied that I'd been thinking something along the lines of those toilet roll covers with a doll's head on top or perhaps just a little colourful jerkin to cover up the statuette's norks.
“Jerkin? Or merkin?” my cousin asked, quick as a whip as she is.
“Merkin?” I asked, perplexed.
“You know, a pubic wig,” she replied.
“Oh, yeah. A merkin. I know what a merkin is,” I replied, nodding sagely. And I did. Kind of. But now that I found myself actually thinking about merkins, I realised I had no idea who would ever use one and how it might be used.
“Do you stick it on like a fake moustache or is it like pubic hair extensions?” I asked my cousin. I mean she was obviously a bit of an expert and the closest thing I'd ever been to a pubic wig was in an imaginary interview I did with an inflatable Brad Pitt, but that involved a beard made of old pubic hair so I guess it's not really the same thing (another long story).
My cousin didn't really know.
“And why would you wear one?” I asked. “Is it for those occasions when you really want your collars to match your cuffs? Or maybe even provide a startling contrast? Or are they for redheads who want to avoid persecution?”
My cousin shrugged. I think she was starting to regret she'd ever brought the subject up.
So I decided to continue my conversation inside my head. I tend to do this a lot because most people haven't got the stamina to keep up with me. And yes, by "stamina", I mean "stomach".
My internal monologue went something like this: “Maybe beauticians sell merkins to cover up botched Brazilians... I guess they could also be used to cover up patent pubic baldness... But actually, if anyone was ever a candidate for an industrial-strength merkin, it would have been Rapunzel - it's much easier to take the weight of a grown man using your hips rather than your neck. I mean any Occupational Health and Safety professional could've told Rapunzel that... “
I won't bore you with the rest, but let's just say I eventually came around to be totally hip (no pun intended) with my cousin's suggestion. You see, I've always wanted to learn to crochet and since my (subsequent) research has shown that merkins are often used on Hollywood film sets, I can't think of any better way to win my (ex) Creative Emmy Award-Winning Friend's affections back than if I hand-crocheted a merkin for his statuette.
Anyone got a pattern I can use?
