August 21, 2010

Saturdays with SawHole # 9

SawHole has been busy reading up on the bible and running up and down the beach in her undies, in preparation of the highly likely chance that we will have a new cardinal in the big house come tomorrow morning. (insert small dry retch here). Tony has been a big supporter of SawHole and her mission to make all things fucked up seem a bit more bearable. Ironic really.

Dear SawHole

My mum was getting mail addressed to her neighbour , in particular a well-known and popular food magazine the woman next door subscribed to. She dutifully passed on the mail, and let the neighbour know that the mail was coming to her by mistake (it was addressed to the woman but with mum's street number on it).

Next month rolls on and the magazine arrives at mum's again. And the next month. By this point mum is a bit over being this woman's personal mail delivery officer (like my gender-neutral language?) so thinks "Bugger it" and starts opening and enjoying the mag for many months.

The woman never said anything. Was mum wrong to open the mail, or had she every right to, considering she'd given her neighbour fair warning? What's your take on mail theft, Sawhole?

Gourmet Snaveller

Dear Gourmet Snaveller,

I thought I was the victim of newspaper theft once. Turns out, I had just forgotten to pay the newsagent's bill. In your case, the slope is a little more slippery. This is where we need to call in subterfuge.

If your Mum is going to keep reading the mag, then she needs one of these .....
I can attest to the benefits of such disguises, having been involved in an egg fight with a nosey neighbour circa 2000. My brother, sister and I (well I assume that is the case. One cannot be too sure in my family with its history of covering up adoption) declared war on the neighbour after he made an unsavory, sexual comment about my sister. We got our masks, two hoses, eggs and custard (WTF, were we baking a pie?), called the fuckwit out of his house and attacked. Needless to say, he had no idea who we were. He is also a fuck wit to this day.

So, yes, your Mum can have the magazine, provided she wears the Groucho Marx mask. That way if the neighbour sees her reading it in her backyard she will think it is Joseph Stalin who is reading the magazine. See here if you don't know what Stalin looks like

Confused? So am I. With all this talk of eggings, disguises and dictators, I have lost my train of thought. Opps, shit, I haven't boarded the train of thought, it is the Trans-Siberian Express to Vladivostok. See what happens when you diss Stalin? It all goes to shit, my dear.



PS Your Mum can read the mag. Remember possession is nine-tenths of the law. I will egg the tart next door if she causes trouble.

PSS They don't have WHO in Vladivostok. Can you see if your Mum can get me one from next door please?
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