October 30, 2010

Things you did not know about SawHole...

We are turning the tables this week on Australia's Most Wanted Agony Aunt SawHole. She is the subject of many tweets, emails and blogs. So I thought I would totally rip of the Good Weekend's Your Time Starts Now page, so you can get to know the Guru of Wisdom and Wine a little better.

Read, nod and enjoy. And as always, send your own problem to mrswoog@hotmail.com and have it sorted, SawHole style.

My earliest memory is been given a toffee apple while being lifted in to a high chair. I was age 2 and a half and for some reason I think it was around the time my brother, SawHole Middle Child, was born.

At school I was constantly in trouble for talking.

My first relationship was with the boy down the road. He gave me a Golden Book when I returned from eye surgery, aged four.

I don't like talking about that nasty Christopher Pyne.

My most treasured possession is my white gold, diamond and sapphire ring. My Nanna Freda bought it for my aunt, who then gave it to my Mum, who then gave it to me. My daughter, Miss Charisma, has already staked her claim on it. Nanna Freda told my aunt the ring had diamonds. I found out 20 years later they were cubic ziconias so I replaced them with diamonds, as a push present to myself (even though I had a c-section).

My parents always told me to stop talking and taunting SawHole Youngest Child.

I wish I had been diagnosed earlier.

I wish I hadn't dismissed my intuition about a certain boss (not you, AJK, I love you). I was right about the evil boss and BTW he really needs to learn how to hold eye contact.

My most humiliating moment was a direct result of the wrong man's poor behaviour.

My happiest moments were the day Miss Charisma was born. Most of my time at CSU with Mrs Woog and Co and going on jaunts around Asia, Europe and the US.

At home I cook toast and Just Right.

My last meal would be with a nice big dose of Nembutal. That highly effective euthanasia drug from Mexica. I told a doctor this once and she did not see the humour in it.

I'm very bad at hiding my emotions, shutting up and hiding my contempt for the reactionary state of Australian politics.

If I wasn't me I'd like to be Mrs Woog. She has it all sorted.

The last big belly laugh I had was at dinner with my Gen Y workmates. One of them was arguing for a pure free market and we were putting him back in his box.

When I was a child I wanted to be an actress or on television. Fast forward 30 something years and I am a full-time drama queen and have appeared on the Divine Miss M's television show saying how I would go to a Thai prison if I got to pash Mark Darcy. Mrs Woog was with me, of course.

The book that changed my life is The Hours by Michael Cunningham.

It's not fashionable, but I love Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew.

Friends say I am offensive and obsessed by Joe Hildebrand .

The song I'd like played at my funeral is the Divine Miss M's Blame it on the Boogie (karaoke version)

My greatest fear is being stuck in a high rise when there is a fire. Lucky there is no such as a high rise in Newcastle.

At the moment I'm reading "Sterling's Gold: Wit & Wisdom of an Ad Man," a real book inspired by the autobiography that everyone's favorite silver fox, Roger Sterling.

At the moment I'm listening to the dishwasher and a Disney movie.

If only I could get over this bloody plateau.

The hardest thing I've ever done was say goodbye twice in 12 months. My advice is vodka, disco tunes and going to New Zealand and knocking yourself our. Literally.

What I don't find amusing is how politicians pander to a small group of voters in marginal seats on the fringes of metropolitan cities.

I'm always being asked - are you Mrs Woog? For the record, I am not. We are two different people. One tall, one short. One lives in Sydney. One lives in Newcastle. One has boys and one has a girl. One husband works in finance, the other managed trucks that blow things up. We both have cats. That's the end of the story.

Cat or Dog? Both.

My worst job was working in a restaurant with a psycho chef. He would call us c*nts and bitches during service and then be all nice at the end of the night. PSYCHO.

I often wonder how can I distract my personal trainer today? Unfortuately he knows my game.

What would YOU like to know about SawHole?

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