October 16, 2010

It's a gay old Saturday.... with SawHole

If looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck,
you can bet your sweet ass we are not talking about a chicken!

This issue was forwarded straight onto SawHole, who has finally finished
investigating the rapid demise of the Ed Hardy Clothing Chain.
Back to real work for you SawHole, or I will suspend you without pay.

Please email your problem to mrswoog@hotmail.com for a gentle, sympathetic shoulder
to cry on - oh and then I will pass it onto SawHole.

Dear SawHole.

I am a 24 year old man living in country Queensland.

I work on the family farm with my dad and 2 brothers. We have a nice life and most of the time I am very happy. Except I think I might be gay.

How do I break the news to my very very straight religious family? And where to from here?



Dear Patrick,
SawHole is a self-appointed expert on many things but this is the first time I have come across an in-the-closet dilemma. In these cases, I would usually defer to Sydney Superqueer MotherGay, but he has been a bit negligent with his Woogsworld deadlines.

According to Mrs Woog, he files his stories drunk at 2am. Kinda like MadMen Series 4, Episode 7, except MotherGay would never attempt a dump (Australian for poo) on someone's chaise lounge like Duck Phillips did.

The way I see it is, being gay is no big deal. I would much prefer my brother, SawHole Middle Child, to be gay than an offensive Karl Sandilands-type . Actually I would prefer SawHole Middle Child to be gay than to be Karl Stefanovic. There are many things far more offensive than being gay.

By way of example, turbans as a fashion statement, many forms of organised religion and reality tv shows featuring New Jersey. (Although I better say that softly because some Jersey girl might try to bitch slap me)

However, I understand that I am not your target audience being a cardonnay-sipping socialist and all. Obviously you are worried about how the family will take this news. Take it from me, families can be a nightmare. SawHole Younger Child found this when she was enrolled in a university course without her knowledge. SawHole and SawHole Middle Child attempted to rectify the situation and it ended up an all-in brawl. Lithgow-style and it involved my Dad throwing outdoor furniture around. Nice.

There is no way I want to see one of SawHole's chickens living a lie like Sal Ramano in Mad Men. So in my experience, if you think you are gay, then you probably are gay. Own it.
In terms of how you break the news, I would suggest getting some professional advice from a psychologist (avoid a certain psychologist in King Street, Newcastle BTW). It is better to come into this prepared. On the flipside, they might have suspected your were gay all along. If that is the case, it will be a relatively easy announcement. However, if they are stuck in the dark ages and want to rant about it, there's nothing you can do.
They control their own behaviour and you control yours.
My Eastern European friend has a similar problem. His Ukrainian parents refuse to believe he is gay and sent him cards saying: "This year we hope all our dreams will come true." The guy's be in a live-in relationship for 10 years so hello denial!

Now if your family insists on freaking out, get yourself on a plane to Sydney and stay with MotherGay in the 'Fern. Sounds like you just need a bit of Woop! Woop! (not with MotherGay, as he is in love) and a job in public relations.

By the way, I never knew Christopher Pyne had sons and a QLD farm. Wonders will never cease.
Cheers Dears,
PS If your family gives you any crap, let me know and I sort them out. Lithgow-style.
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