August 28, 2010

Saturdays with SawHole # 10

I am not in the habit of editing letters sent into, but it is something I should reconsider from now on. SawHole has taken on an actual job that does not pay her in Happy Meals and I fear her tolerance level has dipped somewhat. Ouch.

Dear Sawhole,

I'll make this short and saccharinly sweet . . . because I can't stand even thinking about it for long, let alone typing about it.

I'm female, innteligant, average age (do that division thing), overwait and attractive, all at the same time. I know the first thing that springs to mind is 'two outta three ain't bad . . . even though there're five things.

But don't just laugh to yourself and make fun of me, help me please. I need all the advice I can get . . . even yours. My question is – how do I get rid of this pesky attractiveness (painlessly of course)? It's attracting all these 'shallow hals' who think that . . . 'if I can just get her to lose 60 kilos . . . boy what a catch . . . I'll be the envy of the boys on the futures floor'.

Please help


Dear Candice,

Firstly, SawHole wishes you would get yourself to a spelling class now! There is nothing less attractive to SawHole than someone who cannot spell. Mrs Brennan would not have tolerated such ineptitude in our Year 12 English class. She's my hero so please do not upset her. And for God's sake please make sure you know the difference between there and their, or I will shoot you.

Your disregard for the English language is ugly, so there is one thing sorted. SawHole is going to make fun of you because that is what I do best. To do otherwise, would be like going to Thailand, sitting in an Aussie-themed bar, making racist jokes and saying the place was stinky. If you don't like it, don't go there in the first place. Same goes for SawHole.

Which brings me to one of my favorite Aussie bogan (translation for my American friends, white trash) stories. A bunch of bogans go to Thailand, steal a beer mat from an Aussie themed bar and are arrested. Said bogans attempt to bribe the Thai police and wonder why they were arrested and put in a Thai jail. Those idiots deserved a few nights in the Bangkok Hilton. With a big man named Momma.

As Bridget Jones found out, a Thai jail is great for dropping a few pounds, so I suggest some bogan stupidity to facilitate weight loss. My friend Mother Gay can then broker you a media deal when you get home. SawHole will then write letters to the editor saying you are an idiot and should be doing 10 years. We have enough red necks in Australia without those who steal beer mats being allowed back in.

Finally, one sure way to make you stupid. Vote for Tony Abbott.

Cheers Dears,

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