July 24, 2010

Saturdays with Saw Hole #5

Saw Hole is back from touring t-shirt manufacturing plants in Ohio and finalising meetings with her copy write lawyers. She has negotiated hard to bring her readers the best quality garment available. Well Done Saw Hole for your dedication to your new position.

She has also been sifting through dozens of dilemmas sent in by readers, including an interesting one from Duke, currently residing in a North London prison, who suspects his cell mate is using his toothbrush. Got a problem?? Email mrswoog@hotmail.com.

Best comment here will be selected by Saw Hole next Saturday and will receive the award-winning designer Saturdays with Saw Hole t-shirt. Read, Comment and have a great weekend.

Dear Saw Hole,

My best friend recently went through some dramatic changes. she lost a heap of weight and although she looks great, it seems like she also had a personality transplant. She is very vain and conceited. She is either at the gym or the beauticians.

When we go out to dinner, she is always telling me how many calories are in the meal I ordered. She drinks white wine spritzers when she used to knock back Bacardi breezers. I am worried we are growing apart.

What advice do you have on female friendships that are slowly turning to shit?


Dear Emma,
Hmmm the signs should have been there when she used to drink the Breezers and now she drinks spritzers. "Loser!"

You have several options:

1. Wear your IPOD to dinner. See if you can get some audio of two cats shagging, it will be less painful that hearing about squats and protein bars.

2. Sabotage her meal, in a style similar to the Mean Girls diet bars situation.

3. As they say in Mean Girls: "Beware of Plastics". Your friend is a plastic, so I provide the following from Mean Girls as evidence:

Cady: [after seeing Regina in mirror] Regina, wow, you look really beautiful.

Regina: I'm wearing a spinal halo.

Cady: Look, I'm really sorry about the bus. I feel like it's all my fault.

Regina: Stopping making this about you. I'm the one that got hit by the bus.

Cady: I'm really sorry about all the other stuff too.

Regina: Okay, I'm going to forgive you because I'm a very Zen person... and I'm on a lot of pain medication right now.

This brings me to the next point. Take lots of Xanax before dinner. If you can't get Xanax, try Valium or smoke something from the your local supermarket's vegetable section. Mrs Woog and I would not hang with this chick. We would be most likely bitching about her behind her back and giving her a derisive nickname such as Cupcake.

Saw Hole thinks the final word on this should go to Ari Gold (character on the comedy-drama television series Entourage): "Silence is fucking golden."

Run, run as fast as you can. NOW!

Yours in Crusading Against Diet Bores,

Saw Hole.

Saw Hole has an announcement - the winner of the Saturdays with Saw Hole competition has been announced. Drum roll: the winner is Mummydiaries. Congratulations! We both share a dislike of John Mayer, so you get the first ever Saturdays with Saw Hole shirt. Please make email contact with Mrs Woog and we will organise your prize. Wanderlust - you came in a close second with your Nicole Kidman graphic and I will organise you some Saturdays with Saw Hole post-its.
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