September 18, 2010

Saturdays with Sawhole #12

I ruffled some North Shore feathers this week with a post entitled Tribal Wives - Living Nicely on the North Shore. But the response was mainly positive because in between micro-dermabrasion sessions and yoga classes, North Shore Mummies can take the piss out of themselves.

So I was not surprised to get this email.

Dear Mrs Woog,

I loved your Tribal Wives article. Is there a chance you could get SawHole to write one about where she lives?

Love Monica

Well, yes Monica. There is a large chance. This challenge was extended and accepted by SawHole. So I hope you enjoy it.

PS You know the drill - got an issue? Email and get it sorted SawHole style.

The Novocastrian Shiny Girls
SawHole’s tribe is nowhere as glamorous as Mrs Woog’s, although we do have elements of that shiny girl tribe. They live in Merewether, which is middle class enclave near a beach. Their homes are all glass and rendering to make the best of that million-dollar-view.
These types then send their kids to Montessori Broadmeadow or Kotara, which is where SawHole knows them from, although she realises she will never be in their gang. They drive up in their Beamers or their Black 4WDs and drop little Indiana or Phoenix off at school. They are dress almost exclusively in Metalicus (It is huge here in Newy) and their shoes are from some darling boutique in The Junction. I know this because I see them as they pass me shaking their head at my Kmart gym ensemble. None of these ladies have weight problems so they don’t go to the gym with me, they do pilates instead.
After they finish with pre-school the kids go to “Grammar” or they are “at The Junction.” Mum then does charity work for the Hunter Valley Medical Research Foundation before getting dumped for a younger model. She will then start a darling boutique in The Junction.
Don’t be a Bitch!

In Newcastle, we try not to bitch about someone loudly because you never who knows whom here. Case in point, SawHole had to close her office door last week when she wanted to vent to a colleague about someone because she was scared there would be an informant somewhere nearby. As SawHole once told a negligent psychologist: “It’s Newcastle and people can work it out, so keep this in mind when you are next talking about your patients to others.”
In addition to this, SawHole lives in fear that she will run into an ex. It is highly likely. While in Sydney, she was able to put several suburbs and a bridge between herself and The Philanderer, SawHole knows the day of reckoning will come with The Blacksmith. That’s okay because he is an all-right guy, except if you ask my friend The Bicentenary. SawHole just hopes when she does see him she is not in her Kmart gym gear.

The Houses

SawHole inadvertently lives in a McMansion. She ended up with this huge house after her landlord bulldozed her backyard and left asbestos there for Miss Charisma’s amusement. However, the best thing about it is her house is 90 seconds from the beach. SawHole Central is also surrounded by several non-assuming houses and the odd concrete and glass McMansion creation.
Out the front of SawHole Central is Mr SawHole’s $1000 ute and our 10-year-old Mondeo. We also have a Staffordshire terrier, which is pretty much standard in these parts. My husband also wears those blue uniforms with the fluoro patches. This, my friends, is known as The Hunter Valley Tuxedo. Our husbands do tend to be tradesmen and they are usually involved in digging something up, building something up or shutting someone up. There are exceptions of course, many of which SawHole met during her stint as a court reporter, but there are men engaged outside the mining and construction industries.
Well three at least. I know of Mr Bicentenary works saving the whales, Mr Jims likes to clean and I know one other bloke who works at a newspaper. Oh and there’s my personal trainer but we don’t like to talk about him because he can be nasty.

Where do we shop?

Almost exclusively in big shopping centres. We are the people who killed Hunter Street, Newcastle. We go to the shopping centres because we can get cheap leggings from Big W and a coffee and a muffin at Muffin Break. We also like to bag up our jewellery and have it weighed by one of those We’ll Buy Gold stands.
Who do we love?

Most of us love The Newcastle Knights. Except for SawHole, who hates them. Besides she is a Johnny Come Lately so that is to be expected. We also love our beaches and charging up and down the coast in our 4wds. Also because we live in big houses, we have plenty of room for boats etc. We take them “Up the Bay” and get pissed at the Shoal Bay Countyclub. If you don’t believe me, ask my mate Queen Feral to show you her holiday pics.
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