February 22, 2011

Evil Can Come with Age - Beware the Old Biddie

Little old ladies. You see them everywhere. Where I live they wander the streets wearing stockings and pearls, pulling one of those shopping trolley bags on wheels and like to line up for buses. You can see them at the checkout at Woolies with a basket containing digestive biscuits, a small packet of no frills tea bags, a tin of pears and some strange item that only old ladies buy. Like soap flakes or spreadable pork in a jar.

There is evil amongst them.

I am not talking about the sweet faced old ladies who radiate beauty from their Ponds faces. The ones who smile at you when you let them go in front of you in lines or greet you with a cheery "Good Morning" when you pass them into the street. I cannot get enough of these sweethearts.

I am talking about nasty old biddies. I think you know the ones.

Nasty old biddies who get all up in your face. Let me give you are few examples.

Nasty Old Biddie Example One.

Last Saturday The Divine Ms M and I were sitting on Manly Beach watching Harry surf. Occasionally a child would scream out in pain and come running up the sand. An announcement was put out about blue bottles being present and perhaps parents should stop gossiping on the sand and go and get their kids out of the water. The Divine Ms M and I looked at each other and agreed it was time for Harry to stop playing Russian Roulette with the blue bottles in the ocean.

And it was at that precise moment we heard him scream.

We took him up to the boardwalk and stuck his hands under the nearest tap. And that is where Old Manly Rate Paying Biddie pounced.

She advised us that the tap we were using was installed for the specific purpose of supplying fresh drinking water to the public and should not be used for rinsing sand off children. By this stage Harry was HOWLING in pain and we ignored her. But she again repeated that there was a shower facility just 200 metres down the beach and perhaps we should take the screaming child there. I looked up into her mean eyes and explained that my kid had been whip lashed by the asshole blue bottles and she should take her opinions and shove it. She did the old lady huffy puffy shuffle and moved on.

Nasty Old Biddie Example Two.

My friend was lining up at the RTA waiting to renew her drivers licence a few years ago. In the pram was her 7 week old baby. RTA Hanging Out Old Biddie was standing in front of her. She turned to my friend and instigated some small talk. The usual "how old is she" stuff. Then Old Biddie said to my friend "Oh and you are having another one!"

My friend (who was not having another one) said that she was not having another one. It was all quite confusing. Then RTA Old Biddie felt it necessary to inform my friend that she should do something about her weight immediately.

This is an example of when you need a barrage of quick comebacks. This old Biddie was a nasty cow. There is a part 2 to this story where my friend seeks revenge years later, but I will save it for another day.

Nasty Old Biddie Example 3

I am not sure why old Biddie encounters occur in either lines or supermarkets...... but anyway.
I was shopping in the cheese section of our local supermarket with Harry who at the time was aged about 3. There was a dairy-loving old Biddie there. Harry was staring at her a bit before he said to me "That lady looks like Grandma" to which old Biddie froze, turned around and yelled "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"Oh, you just remind him of his grandma,"

Well it was like a red rag to a bull. She had never been insulted in all her life and how DARE that child be so rude. She went on and on and on and on until I got quite bored and shut her up with ..

"You don't really look like his Grandma. You look so much older."

I left my cheese, old Biddie and my manners in that dairy isle that day. But I walked away with a smile on my face. Old Bitch.

Old Biddie Example Number 4.

I was at David Jones buying bras. Which is a whole other story in itself. And I was lining up to shell out a month's wages for said bras and there was an old Biddie in front of me buying an arm full of huge beige underpants. I had a pram containing a crying baby, 3 bags and was getting fed up. I lent forward to put my bras on the counter so I could pick up crying baby when she turned around, shot me a look that would bring a grown man to his knees and announced loudly " I WAS NEXT!!!!!!!"

I looked at her and said "I understand. At your age, I would be in a hurry to get as much done as possible as well."

That certainly shut David Jones Old Biddie up.

Old Biddie Example Number 5.

We were renting a terrace next to the most evil old Biddie ever. Her name was Victoria. She had a small white dog and wore a white tracksuit everyday. She seemed nice when we first moved in. But how wrong we were.

She was pure evil and had black tar running through her veins. Every day she would throw her junk mail into our front yard. She would call the police if we had a Sunday Afternoon BBQ and tell them we were smoking pot. She would scream at Mr Woog when he mowed the lawn. She would call our real estate agent and tell them we had 8 people living in our house.

One day, I was working from home when there was a knock at the door. It was an Officer from the local council, there to investigate whether I had illegal immigrants working in a sweatshop on the premises. I knew straight away. Victoria.

Surprisingly enough, I did not have illegal immigrants working for me as I ran my sweatshop. At the time I was working in publishing and had no need for such employees. Turns out she had mistaken my lovely Chinese cleaners for illegal sweatshop working immigrants.

But I could not compete against crazy and when our lease was up, we were out of there.

Woogs 0 - Old Biddies 1

So I hope this post has opened your eyes to the evils that old biddies can spread. As I mentioned before, not all old people are assholes. The majority are lovely! I sometimes wonder why I am not verbally abused by as many Old Bastards. They seem less prolific around these parts. Most of them seem to be able to keep their nose out of other peoples business.

What about you? Know any nasty Old Biddies?

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