November 15, 2010

The Good Wife's Guide

Originally Published in 1955 in Housekeeping Monthy,
The Good Wife's Guide is due for a modern overhaul.
WoogsWorld Style.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Ask what he feels like for dinner at about 7pm. I usually roll my eyes when he says "Spag Bol." I then order Thai Takeaway.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

If you do indeed own a hair-ribbon, please stop reading my blog. And for the rest of you, if you have managed deodorant this morning, you are totally hot. And as far as work weary colleagues, if he complains about them, tell him to stop bitching and change jobs if he does not like it.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Explain to him that you might just turn gay, as it would be a lot easier to communicate and you get an instant new wardrobe, no more stinkytime bathrooms and less Fox Sports. As far as being interesting for him, I like to go through the calendar for the next few weeks and point out all the extra-curricular extended family events that are on.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

I leave the keys in the front door so he does not ring the bell, because he has forgotten his keys.... again. And I raise the SILENCE finger at him if he tries to talk to me, thus possibly interrupting the ending of Bold and the Beautiful.

During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

I strongly disagree with this point and find immense personal satisfaction in many other areas. Like when I win an argument with Fitness First or arrive at Baker's Delight before they run out of cinnamon scrolls. But that is just me.

WoogsWorld will never be a haven of rest and order, so this point is mute..... NEXT.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

See above.....mute.... NEXT.

Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

All depends if he is sporting a chilled bottle of chardy.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Totally. Listening to him complain about his day is both fascinating and nourishing for the soul. It is an inspiration. Considering most of it is littered with grunts and lightly peppered with profanities, it is like poetry to my ears.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Me??? Never..................

Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

Joy! I spy a night with no sex-nagging, no remote sharing and toast for dinner! And the WHOLE BED TO MYSELF....

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.


Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Did I tell you that he voted for Tony Abbot in the last election? And he has said "Lemon is such an amazing flavour..." I am sure I have. So no, we do not let these things slide. NEVER.

A good wife always knows her place.

Your thoughts please.......................................
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