You know you are in Phuket when.....
- You walk off the plane and your glasses fog up.
- You get overpowered by the strongest stink of raw sewerage unexpectedly and it leaves as quickly as it presents itself.
- You drink beers with your lunch everyday. And cocktail hour starts at 5pm.
- You mix it up with obese Aussies who do not give a second thought about wearing a fake Ed Hardy string bikini.
- Your hatred for all things Ed Hardy intensifies as you notice that everyone is wearing it, including babies.
- You have a strong urge to buy an enormous amount of nasty fake Tiffany Jewellery.
- You encourage your sister to get a tattoo so she can be like everyone else in Phuket. Then you tell her she has just made a big mistake while the gormless drug fucked tattoo artist completes his job. At least she did not get a tramp stamp. (Mum is going to KILL you)
- While in the tattoo parlour, you gently swat the mangy dog away from your sister's freshly minted tat.
- You being to think about redecorating your house's soft furnishings in gold and maroon silk. And a large Buddha statue. And a water fountain. And incense. And a gold cat that has an electronic paw that waves up and down.
- You start to think getting corn-row braids is a stylish answer to the humidity issue.
- You look at the drunk Aussie cougars pole dancing atop seedy bars and tisk tisk them
- You get drunk and pole dance atop seedy bars encouraged by a rabble of local hookers.
- For the first time since your teenage years, you have tequila shots.
- You cannot eat another Pad Thai Noodle.
- You eat McDonalds.
- You contract a 24 hour bum-run virus which coincides with the commencement of your 9 hour overnight flight home.
So I am back, rested, refreshed and a little bit worse for wear.
Did you miss me?
Love Mrs Woog xox
