June 16, 2010

I have a friend called Penny.

I have a friend called Penny. We have known each other for 30 years. She is in my top 5 of funniest people I know and is always up for shits and giggles. We lived overseas together, went to primary school together and spend more than one night out on the town. She is famed for her Britney Spears impersonation and her questionable cooking skills. She is fun, funny and fabulous. She was also a notorious man-eater in her day, so we were shocked, surprised and a tad relived when she found Mr Webb right under her nose at work.

Penny is the type of person who does not take no for an answer. Do not ever challenge her to do anything as she will take you up on the dare, no matter what. She gave herself the most enormous of all challenges when she produced 2 kids in 2 years and continued her professional career.

In the motherhood/career system, the mums are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the kids, who are a constant mystery, and the workplace, who can be more demanding. These are their stories.

I reflect upon an email I received from Penny back in March of this year.

Hi Mrs Woog,

Got an email from a glamorous friend who now lives in London and works for a casting agency so goes to movie premieres for her job, has a hot French boyfriend and lives in Notting Hill with cats called Sushi and Miso. She asked how I was - so I thought it only fair I give her a warts and all version of a typical day in the life of moi.....enjoy.

1. Get up at 5am very quietly so as not to arouse husband (and I do mean arouse - have to schedule sex in now!).

2. Pump out 1 hour of lecture notes / tutorial lesson plans and responding to emails, trying to sound intelligent as I now get paid to be intelligent at ICMS. Didn't get paid to be intelligent at SC. Just got paid to turn up there!

3. Ignore sounds of a 2 year old (2YO) jumping off elevated furniture in bedroom until I hear the crack of broken bone or the stretch of a ligament. Let 2 year old out at 7am.

4. Change 3 month old's (3MO) nappy which is normally the size of a small planet. Do this at the same time as stopping the 2YO shoving cotton buds up 3MO's nose and my arse (haven't put undies on yet).

5. Pull impressive booga out of 2YO's nose. Accidentally drop it into the muesli. Leave it there.

6. Serve toast up to 2YO in what has been christened "Condiment Corner" thanks to the stains of Vegemite, Peanut Butter and Jam that have appeared on the wall next to 2YO's table and chair.

7. Feed 3MO bottle and make mental note to put undies on at some point during the day.

8. Turn on the 50 inch babysitter (thank you Panasonic) and have a shower.

9. Check profile pics on FB (the ones I've photo shopped) for quick self esteem boost and reminder that there was life and gravity before children.

10. Shout at husband to get up. Look at bulge in pants and explain that today's 'get up' means get in shower, take 2YO to day care and sit in traffic for 2 hours - enjoy.

11. Shower and change into grown ups clothes, circa 2004 - the only new things I have bought recently have been maternity or purchases from ebay that looked much better in the photo.

12. Hand 3MO over to grandmother and get in car to also sit in traffic for 2 hours.

13. Curse Labour government and morning radio.

14. Deliver lecture to pack of rabid 19 year olds at college even after realising halfway through that my stretch marks and the tattoo I got at the Cross when I was 18 are peaking out over my pants and my shirt is too short when I reach up to point to something on screen/whiteboard.

15. Spend rest of lecture trying to claw back some credibility by gesturing at items on screen/whiteboard with forehead.

16. Headbutt whiteboard. Credibility gone.

17. Get in car and eat a jellybean I find on the floor.

18. Come home, make cup of tea for me and grandma. Thank Grandma for leaving me a pooey nappy. No wonder she didn't finish her cup of tea.

19. Also thank grandma for pruning the bushes in the front garden Brazilian style. Now more twigs than leaves.
20. Put baby down. Read two pages of a grown ups book that I started in 2007.

21. Jump on computer. Respond to emails (I now have 6 email accounts).

22. Update Facebook status that I think is initially hilarious but realise that the Gen Yérs on my friends list don't think poo, spew and extracting peanut butter from 2YO's ear isn't hilarious and now they are all getting vasectomies at the age of 25.

23. Think about moving to Gold Coast in a couple of years and becoming a Cougar.

24. Step over 3MO that has fallen asleep on the lounge room floor.

25. Use the broom handle to open the garage door for Husband and 2YO (I lost all the garage remotes while pregnant).

26. Euphoric to see 2YO.

27. Euphoria gone when 2YO pulls down pants to reveal a new method of finger painting he picked up at day care today.

28. Feed 3MO, 2YO and annoying cat (AC) - not necessarily in that order.

29. Shout at husband that coming home and logging on to the computer to play Tribal Wars isn't classed as "checking work emails".

30. Throw 3MO and 2YO into bath together. Accidentally throw AC in too.

31. Get Dettol out to treat scratches on kids thanks to AC's desperate attempts to get out of bath and the bucket 2YO has squished him into.

32. Everyone in pyjamas, including husband whose Bob Marley pyjama shirt is about to be sent off to palliative care.

33. Introduce 2YO to joys of 80's sitcoms thanks to greedy commercial television stations who create new stations but just fill the program with crap US sitcoms from the 80's and plop in front Alf and Full House.

34. Look longingly at dust covered cookbooks in corner and whip up some tacos from a yellow box.

35. Serve with red wine from Bolivia and announce its international cuisine.

36. Kids in bed. Husband with hands down pants watching car shows.

37. Jump on line and write college blog (not mentioning the stretch marks).

38. Drink more Bolivian red wine.

39. In bed by 9pm with empty bottle of Bolivian red by my side.

40. Roll over on to nappy filled with rabbit pellets. We don't own a rabbit.......

It was day after day after day of this routine when her brilliant brain started to hatch a plan. Combining her profession as a Trainer, (not a running smiling bike-panted type of trainer - we would not be friends if that were the case) her years of event management experience and her passion for a challenge, she has launched an amazing workshop series entitled Working Mum's Masterclass.

This is a no brainer. But unlike when I accidently invented the Snuggie, Penny is a doer and follows through on her ideas. She also has the power of persuasion.

Guest Speakers include Juanita Phillips, author of A Pressure Cooker Saved my Life, Kristie McKnight from Ducks in a Row, Valerie Peterson from Inner-B, Sunny Mummy Stacey Sullaphen and nutritionist Fiona Workman. And the chefs from the Crowne Plaza Norwest will run a cooking demonstration showing you how to whip up something fast and healthy for your family, while participating in a teleconference.

If you are a working mum juggler or know someone who is, point them to http://www.workingmumsmasterclass.com.au/, book a ticket and learn how to keep all the balls in the air while having a giggle. And because Penny Webb is involved, take your depends pads.
Related Posts with Thumbnails