SawHole is frightened of babies, a fact that really came to light and became an issue when she visited me in hospital following Jack's arrival. She had to be talked into giving Jack a cuddle. This was fine, apart from the fact that she was 6 months pregnant herself and was going to have to face her fear soon. Why is she scared of babies? I will let her explain.....
My fear of babies started on January 7, 1981.
It happened when my newborn sister was shown to us and let's just say the midwife had not cleaned her up properly. No-one had told me babies did not come out clean. Life lesson number 1 for SawHole. I was six at the time and my brother was four. Scarred for life.
It only got worse when Mum and Dad took SawHole Junior home and my brother and I decided to sneak into her room to have a look at her."WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH," she screamed. Busted!
SawHole Junior was a difficult baby and did not sleep for two years, so the SawHole home was not a happy home. We were held hostage by a baby who was either crying, clinging on to our Mum or refusing to sleep. You may think it is strange that I continue to carry this with me considering I am the mother of Miss Charisma and she is almost five.
But babies are scary.
Those floppy necks, the chance you might drop them or fall over when carrying them. The potential for disaster freaks me out. How Miss Charisma has made it to the ripe old age of almost five surprises me because I was the ultimate Miranda Hobbs, of Sex and the City fame.
“Look, we’re both afraid we’re going to kill the baby, that’s a given, but we made and agreement this week – Monday to Friday I try not to kill him, Saturday and Sunday you try not to kill him, yeah.”
I was afraid I was going to kill the baby (DOCS please contact Mrs Woog to obtain my contact details), so Mrs Woog set up a Baby Boot Camp, where I had to feed, dress and bathe Jack. And not once did I drop, harm or traumatise Jack. Hurrah! Mrs Woog made me do this because she had a photograph of me at six months pregnant holding Jack and looking shit scared.
Just after she took the photograph, she had asked me if I wanted to hold the baby and then left the room while I had Jack in my arms."What if he cries? What if he pukes? What if he falls. FUCK!," I thought. Luckily Mrs Woog came back into the room with a bottle of champagne and relieved me of my responsibilities.Phew!
Similar happened with Mrs Flint when she passed K to me when I was 10weeks pregnant. Suddenly all eyes were on me, assessing whether I had mothering potential. I lost it:
"I can't do this. I am scared of the baby. I am scared of labour.Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"
At least my outburst got me out of holding the baby. NO, I DON'T WANT TO HOLD THE BABY! But last Friday something miraculous happened - I voluntarily picked up a baby. Not only that - I managed to settle her when no-one else could. Here I was in a restaurant with a baby up against my shoulder and moving side-to-side to settle her. Maybe it is all those mood stabilisers I am on but this baby did not scare me. My nephew, the child of SawHole Junior, also does not scare me.
And people say drugs are bad for you. I say Lithium for PM!
But just don't ask me to babysit and no, I don't want to hold your baby.
Over and Out
SawHole (not a Mothercraft Nurse)
