Thank god I will never have the need to walk a red carpet. But I am a sucker for all the red carpet specials that are aired before awards shows. Quite often they are better than the main event and they always, ALWAYS provide a couple of standout characters. And a chance to showcase some unconventional fashion designs.
I have put together a little guide for you should you ever need to run the gauntlet of TV cameras, paparazzi’s and strange Facebook stalkers.
When you walk the red carpet, it is better to sort of slink along unhappily and look quite bored. Have 3 or 4 people buzzing around you wearing their old formal dresses. These are your “peeps” who make sure you are not asked inappropriate questions, like “Do you regret doing the Nestea ads?”
You must talk about your latest film and how it was a joy to work on and how your co-star was a prankster and how the writer was a genius and how the director just “got you” and how you can die happy knowing it was the best work you have ever done. When secretly you hated everyone.
When you get to the end of the red carpet you might be required to pose in front of a sponsor wall. It is here that you will feel like a bit of a tool. So to help you work out what to do, I am sharing some popular poses.
Supertool Sass Strike a pose Strut Stance.
The fingerless gloves squishing in her tiny waist draws the eyes up to help overlook the fact that she totally forgot to put her pants on.
The Booby Pouty Pose
Best done while slightly toasted, you do this when you want to be sexy and make people forget that you are really quite spectacularly untalented but massively stacked.
Best done while slightly toasted, you do this when you want to be sexy and make people forget that you are really quite spectacularly untalented but massively stacked.
Doing the…. Pigeon
A very popular pose seen time and again on red carpets, featuring young actresses who are on the verge of being “Has Beens”. Nothing that a good pair of well fitted calliper boots won’t fix.
A very popular pose seen time and again on red carpets, featuring young actresses who are on the verge of being “Has Beens”. Nothing that a good pair of well fitted calliper boots won’t fix.
So I put my torso on back to front pose
Another pose designed to make your waist look smaller, but this time Lady Gaga has cleverly managed to contort her arms into an optical illusion, leaving us thinking she has indeed been put together very wrongly. She has also managed to do the pigeon here as well. Bravo!
Another pose designed to make your waist look smaller, but this time Lady Gaga has cleverly managed to contort her arms into an optical illusion, leaving us thinking she has indeed been put together very wrongly. She has also managed to do the pigeon here as well. Bravo!
The old pro hand on hip back lean
Not one for the beginner, this pose is easy to get wrong. Many a starlet has attempted this pose only to find themselves flat on their back with their legs in the air. Which is ok for the end of the night, but not the beginning?
Not one for the beginner, this pose is easy to get wrong. Many a starlet has attempted this pose only to find themselves flat on their back with their legs in the air. Which is ok for the end of the night, but not the beginning?
The Sexy Over the Shoulder Backless Dress Front Leg Feel
A total classic and one that we are seeing over and over again as our actresses’ age. It is an elegant and clever way to disguise botched up plastic surgery if you only ever show one side of your face. Well played. And to be honest, if I had an ass like Lisa's, I would be walking backwards all the time.
Of course you could do what I would do if I ever found myself on the red carpet.
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| A WHAT-THE-FUCK Hand throw! |
What is YOUR signature pose?
Originally published at JustB.
